"I'm fine" is one of the biggest lies, but usually people don't really want to hear what's wrong. If you lie to yourself saying that you are fine and convince yourself of it, then tell other people, is it still a lie?
Reverse culture shock is not something that I thought would happen to me. Hope College tried to prepare us for it in the pre-departure orientation, but I disregarded it. I figured that it applied more to people studying in countries that aren't westernized or didn't speak English. I didn't see how I would have trouble when I got back to my own country when Australia seemed so similar. It does have differences, though, and being abroad has caused me to grow as a person. Although the changes may have been hard to see in myself, my parents could tell when they came to visit.
I never gave reverse culture shock much thought until I was talking to my roommate from Hope. A lot of things had been going on and she was the only one that was still talking to me while I was gone. My friendships had hit some very rocky roads over my semester abroad. It all started when they got back to school. Where they were living had mold, so they had to move out. They had moved to different places and through a variety of events, that I won't go in to here, my roommate and the rest of them were no longer close friends. The rest of the girls never talked to me while I was abroad (besides one skype call before the mold incident) and I only heard what was happening from my roommate. Things kind of exploded between me and the other girls in November and I haven't really talked to them since. We had all changed during the summer and the semester I was gone, but luckily I had my roommate to keep me caught up on the events as they were unfolding so that I didn't come back not knowing any of this.
Another part of my reverse culture shock is that I ended my term abroad with the highlight of my trip. I was originally supposed to go back with my parents when they came to visit, but I changed plans by going to NTE. I have no doubts (well there's always a possibility of error so maybe 99.99% sure) that reverse culture shock would have been a lot better had I stuck with the original plan. Don't get me wrong, I am completely happy that I went and it was great experience. I met a lot of awesome people that I wouldn't have met otherwise and it was great to be able to grow in Christ with them. It is just that most of my friends at Murdoch were, unfortunately, also study abroad students. Although I probably won't see them again, they were American so it didn't feel like they'd be gone forever. Another reason is that when saying goodbye to people at NTE, they would say something like see you in God's kingdom if not sooner. It was really sad to think that I probably won't see them again.
As anyone that has read my previous posts knows, I have not cried in at least five years. That was until the Saturday after I got home. I was having a hard time adjusting to being away from friends and just living with my parents and dog. I was glad to be able to be with my dog because he is the only that got me through my depression after moving to Ann Arbor during high school. I was on edge from various things that I could have put up with before just fine, such as my dad's obsession with U of Michigan football! Something as simple as my parents not having any stick butter is what finally put me over the edge. (They had a frozen pound of butter, but that's another story.) I was also listening to my zune and the song 'Days of Summer' from A Very Potter Sequel came on. It's a song about being separated and some of the lyrics just sent me over the edge to the point that I had to go in my room and just cry.
I still had about a month to be home before going back to Hope. Luckily my sister let me stay at her house for about a week around Christmas. Being away from Ann Arbor, not to mention getting to see my niece and nephew, helped get my mind over my depression. We also had Christmas parties and other events that helped to keep my mind off of things. That held me over until I started getting excited to be going back to Hope and getting to see my roommate, Caitlin. (yes, we have the same name) I was also happy to get back to Quidditch. Now classes are settled down again, and I don't have a lot of homework or in-class time because my classes are easy compared to what I've had other semesters. (I'm now done with my biology minor so it is my first semester without a biology class.) This has given me more time to think and I'm more depressed that I have been since initially moving. I've even cried since the initial time. (It gets easier to cry each consecutive time.) I never thought that I would be depressed being in Holland!
It's hard to say what has caused my depression. I know it has various factors, but it really isn't that I'm sad about what happened with my old friends. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the mold in their old cottage was just a gift from God to help me realize that we needed to go our separate ways. (I'm stubborn so He has to do these things. Another example is not giving me a biology brain so that I got bad grades and would realize that biology/pre-vet was not my calling.) I'm happy to not be friends with them and I really like Caitlin's new friends. It's just hard to not be depressed now, and the weather isn't helping. I will probably revert back to taking my anti-anxiety medicine because they are also used as anti-depressants. (I have not had the anxiety problems I had before Australia, with a few minor exceptions.)
On a funnier note, I had trouble doing things like crossing the street and walking on the right side of hallways/sidewalks. Luckily I always check both ways before crossing the street. Our apartment is also about two blocks from the main part of campus so we have to cross a street that is one way. When going to school the cars go the same way that they would be in Australia so I think that probably confused me more or for longer. For the first few weeks I wouldn't cross the street until the walk signal changed even if there were no cars because I was paranoid about it.
